dearlittledoctor #1

YOUR EMOTIONS ARE VALID

Dear little doctor,

Today you did great. Despite having vertigo and a poor stomach this morning, you decided that it was worth it to go to the hospital and get a few things done. A few days ago, you met this one lovely grandmother who reminds you of Atokyah so much. You realised you missed her, when your eyes got teary out of a sudden.

“kenapa aku dekat sini ya?” the question hit your mind.

Today you approached a patient, who was very ill-looking. You decided to approach her just to inform her that you have an intention to ask her questions whenever she feels better. She smiled with a very lethargic smile. When you excuse yourself saying, “terima kasih Puan. Semoga cepat sembuh ya,” you saw that shine in her eyes. As if she needed those words so much. And you got teary again, but it was not long before you move to another patient and started asking question. And you forgot about the her.  

At night during your on-call, you saw this one grandfather. It was noted that he is under plastic (which means that you don’t clerk him unless you want something out of the textbook). Some kind of blanket he placed on the table fell down. You walked towards him to hand the blanket. “jatuh tadi” you said, placing the blanket back onto the table. His hospital table was not clean, maybe from the food that spilled when he was eating dinner.

He smiled brightly. “oh ya. Terima kasih ya,”. You noticed his hospital clothes were dirty too, probably from the same food that spilled on the table.

That bright smile reminded you of atok. Atok yai.

A few minutes later you were watching him from his side. He was sleeping in a sitting position. That very old figure. A thought came crossing your mind “Mesti atok ni rindu cucu-cucu dia. He must feel very lonely”

There. Again. Your eyes got teary out of a sudden.

“kenapa aku ada dekat sini ya?” you questioned yourself again. Doubting whether or not this is a place you can survive emotionally. 

You shifted your gaze, trying to distract yourself and you did well. You got distracted.

Dear little doctor, 

your sadness and longing for the people you love are all valid emotions. You are here for a very great purpose. You are privileged to be with people in their vulnerable state. When they are anxious, lonely, and worried. It’s good that you can feel all those emotions, proving that you are empathetic and will be become a good doctor in the future (insyaAllah).

These are the situations that you will face in the future. You will be working in this setting, you will see these kinds of people. It may cause you to feel more vulnerable and uncomfortable. But the result is actually quite the opposite. Facing these things with courage and empathy will make you more human. And more loved by Allah (insyaAllah). It will make you stronger, and wiser.

You’ll eventually learn that being a doctor is not about making no mistakes. Rather, it's about knowing how to communicate when making mistakes. It’s about forgiving yourself and letting things go when you can’t control them.

Berdamai dengan takdir.

Don’t run away or avoid those emotions. Instead, feel and embrace them with gentleness and care. 

Today you did great, alhamdulillah.

And tomorrow you will do better, insyaAllah.